what's this supposed to be, you spending the best hours of your morning nap out here on the couch, and it's not even time yet for that man to be giving you your wake-up call yet. where do you propose i fit into this picture? if i try to snuggle up above your head where you know i belong at this hour, i'm going to fall off the arm of the couch

but ok, if i can't keep the top of your head warm, then you know what i have to do instead, don't you?

just give me one good reason why.

you can't. i know you can't because i've looked all around out there and there is nothing to worry about.

like, i'm not going to get hit by one of those things that always pass over our house making a big noise, they're always about as high up there as you keep that birdcage hanging up on the ceiling of my room. and those people machines you use to take me on doctor visits? i've watched out the door enough to figure out you never drive one of those into the back yard, so not to worry. besides, i've gotten a lot of practice not running away from that loud obnoxious cleaning machine you push around the rug inside here every now and then; i'm not a scaredy cat that that other pretender you let stay here.

i'm a very brave courageous cat!

but i'm not careless either. you've seen how cautious i am on those very rare occasions when i have been allowed a minute or two out there

yet i'm treated worse than a prisoner stuck in solitary confinement in a maximum security federal prison, allowed a breath of fresh air once every month or so. you must think i'm going to scale the fence, or something. hey, do i look like a wall climber to you?

if those dogs get to go out whenever they wish, then tell me, why do you keep me locked up?

i want my freedom!

Toilet Seat Cover

Be the first on your block to adorn your toilet seat with this adorable cover! Special Feature: Bites guys who forget to put the lid down.

and if ya hadn't popped me back, i woulda loved your lip up for ya too

i had a really good hole chewed out of that bag of dog food you left sitting there for me.

then you had to go and pour all the food into that stupid container.

what, do you think i'm a looter, or what?

only 3 userpics? a free livejournal only gets me 3 userpics? anyone familiar with me knows that won't be anywhere near enough to capture all the poses i do that are worth preserving.

maybe if i can get my people to save up some money by not bothering to buy that canned food they keep trying to get me to eat, they can spring for a paid account for me.

i'm worth it, they do know that.

hey, isn't this one of those days when you all are supposed to be up and out to school while it's still dark? that man was up around his normal time, and i got him to open up doors so i could make some of my morning rounds. but nobody else is stirring.

am i going to have to bite someone to get things snapping back to normal around here?

ok, that precious stuffhead has told me over and over and over again how we cats are always supposed to act like we know more about what's going on than you people persons do, ancient secrets of the universe and all that stuff. that's his game. i don't need to pretend to know anything more than what will get me a good petting.

so i don't mind admitting, i don't have a clue what the story is with this new dog who's been hanging around the house these past few days. is he one of those refugee dogs from new orleans i keep hearing your television talk about?

we don't have to keep him, i hope.

i mean, i checked him out good and cleaned him up to make sure he wasn't bringing in any foreign diseases or anything, and i've been as patient as i could possibly be with him about the established order of the household and the rules and all. but he just doesn't fit in, not like the other two little dogs who used to . . . hey, what did you do with tiny and lady?

i haven't seen them since that college kid came down for a quick visit a few days ago, just before that hellride you took us all for. is there something you're keeping from us? did they not survive? is this yappy little thing with the funny-looking teeth supposed to replace them?

oh please. he isn't even the right color.

excuse me. excuse me. hello? the light on my tanning shelf won't come on. could one of you people persons please attend to my needs here? yeah i know, i don't see any other lights on anywhere else in the house, but this lamp had better be on when i feel like sprawling out under it to add some color to my belly.

and while we're on the topic of things you've forgotten to turn on today, what's with the sweat box you're turning this place into today? you get to sit out back where the breeze looks like it's really kicking, while i have to push my nose up against the screen to get any fresh air. at least get one of the ceiling fans blowing some of the dead air around, would you?

and maybe something on that picture thing you like to watch, which you've also forgotten to turn on. it's so quiet around here, you can hear my meow halfway across the house, even at my lowest whisper. did you people persons forget to pay the electric bill, or what?

and we certainly don't need any more animals around here! so who is this rita creature i keep hear you boring me to everlasting catnaps over? rita this, rita that, rita rita rita. not that i'd normally mind, since i don't pay all that much attention to the dull stuff you find to talk about, except i keep hearing you say "cat 5" and "cat 4" and "cat 3" and all. this had better not be what it sounds like. listen, it's bad enough having to put up with that stand-in feline pretender you had holding my place for me here before i came along to brighten your lives, but surely even you would admit that two cats is quite enough. we don't need cat numbers three, four, and five to come along trying to steal my pettings and my food and my water and my toys and my favorite places to sleep.

besides, this rita creature sounds pretty much like a creampuff of a kitten, if you want my opinion. doesn't sound at all as ferocious a hunter as that exiting cat-rina stalker you seemed so interested in adopting a few weeks ago.

so what was that silly exercise you put us all through yesterday? taking me away from my early morning playtime to force me into one of the cars, then inching the car down the road for over 7 hours slower than i could have walked, and then just turning around and bringing us right back home? and with your car's air conditioning turned off, as if your gas were more precious than our comfort? and you had to put me with that stuffhead other cat you still keep around, instead of letting me at least ride with the dogs? and then as if i were the one who had messed up your day, not even letting me stay on your lap, but sending me back to ride with those strange boys? and no, i don't care how parched i was getting, i didn't need you wetting my kitty lips, i needed to be back home where i could complain about the low level of water in my water bowl in my customary manner. i can appreciate that you cared enough about us not to leave us behind like you always do when you go away, but please don't ever care for me like that again. if they ever tell you to get out of town again without preparing it for you any better, i'll volunteer to stay behind to watch after the birds.

and come on, could you relax your guard over the back door a little, just this once, like you always do for the dogs, who i know you like better than me? i know something's coming. i can feel it coming. can't i sneak in a little look outside, just on the back walk? i'll even let you take my picture with the wind fluffing up my hair!